I suspect this book appeals to those with certain values different from mine, and I feel sorry for their children. Much of the language encouraged by the book was disrespectful towards the children. For instance, ina demonstration, without warning the mom gave away a girl's puppy because she wasn't taking car This book encourages parents to be mean, authoritarian and bordering on abusive.
For instance, ina demonstration, without warning the mom gave away a girl's puppy because she wasn't taking care of it according to the parent's standards , when the girl begged the mom to go bring it back, the mother said,"You must be kidding I just took the dog over there.
Now I'm supposed to bring her back? Do you think I'm an idiot? I had made an agreement with myself to finish this book to glean something useful from it, but now I am afraid of absorbing any of its principles. I do not recommend this book, and am saddened it has received such a good review.
May 08, Holly rated it liked it. There are a lot of great techniques in this book, but some that I question. I think that sometimes going out of your way to "teach them a lesson" is artificial and even on occasion harsh.
I think about the way our Father in Heaven would parent us. He allows us to suffer the consequences of our mistakes but doesn't "rub it in", or set us up for failure.
I have a limited tolerance for parenting "experts" who are so self-promoting. View all 3 comments. Dec 19, Lorena rated it did not like it Shelves: self-help. I hated this book! I thought the authors came across in a condescending, know-it-all voice. I disagreed completely with the way they proposed for parents to "win" the power struggle with their children: Don't tell them to do anything. Just ask them to contemplate doing what you want; so that when they don't comply, they are not actually disobeying you -- therefore you haven't lost.
I am not going to ask my kids to consider doing their schoolwork and then let them suffer the consequences o I hated this book! I am not going to ask my kids to consider doing their schoolwork and then let them suffer the consequences of stupidity if they don't do it. I am just going to tell them to do their homework or face the wrath you know, like in the good, old days. I know my way isn't the best, and I was hoping for some better ideas actually, but I did not find them here.
Jan 15, Michael rated it it was amazing. I don't rate many books with 5 stars, so you can bet this one is good. Gail and I have used these techniques and we were amazed at the children's response. Don't get me wrong, it's way easier to yell at your kids and smack them upside the head. But, if you want to actually get through to your kids and teach them the skills they will need to make appropriate decisions throughout their lives, this book will change yours.
It was recommended to us by our pediatrician and had proven to be one of the I don't rate many books with 5 stars, so you can bet this one is good. It was recommended to us by our pediatrician and had proven to be one of the best things she has ever said to us. Feb 11, Lindsey rated it did not like it Shelves: nope , abandoned. Not a fan. I can't endorse any book who highlights locking your 4 year old child in the room Oh but you should stand right outside!
I tried to read to extract whatever good was in there, but I pulled out my pencil and started marking the book where I vehemently disagreed, so I set it aside and moved on to other books I find more beneficial.
Apr 27, Matthew Richey rated it liked it Shelves: parenting , read-in , psychology. Mixed feelings. I think there are some good foundational principles and techniques, but lacking grace. Jan 16, Gail rated it really liked it. Though I wish the book had been more engagingly written and could have done without the religious overtones , I must recommend it to parents as my top pick to date for practical childrearing suggestions e. For example, the authors advise against letting kids see parental anger or frustration.
Jun 11, Ashley rated it it was ok. I didn't read the whole book, just the first couple chapters, then I skimmed through the rest. I agree that kids should be able to choose whenever possible rather than me telling them what to do: "What do you want to do first: Go to the bathroom or get your shoes on? That's easy enough, and then they fight it a little less. Hard to do, but it makes sense. I like the energy drain: "Your f I didn't read the whole book, just the first couple chapters, then I skimmed through the rest.
I like the energy drain: "Your fighting is giving me an energy drain. What are you going to do to get my energy back? Adalyn is at that stage when she knows that if she just agrees with us, we'll stop telling her what to do quicker. It's nice to give her that trust that she can make her own decisions, and let her feel the consequences of those decisions.
An example would be wearing flip flops or shoes to the park. I can tell her to wear shoes, and every time she'll whine that she wants flip flops. I've been letting them choose, and the other day Connor chose flip flops. He was constantly stopping to get wood chips out of his shoes. Not too fun. I am not going to let my four-year old get beat up to teach him not to bother others. I don't care what he says, you can bet I will do something about it if I see someone hitting him.
That's protection, and it's my job to help keep him safe. He can have the consequence of having no friends if he wants to talk unkindly to others, not a beating. I understand avoiding insincere praise, but they seem to want to avoid any use of "You did good" or "Great job!
Instead they suggest asking the child what they did and leaving it at that. It's fine to ask them their opinion, I'm sure, but it's not just going to go: "How do you think you did?
I'm sorry you feel that way. I want my kids to be able to come to me when they have issues, and I want them to feel like they can talk to me and that I will be able to help them if they want it, not that I'll just say, "Sucks for you! What are you going to do about it? We actually did try this for a day or so, and Adalyn was near tears by the end of it.
I think it all comes down to respect. We respect our children as capable of making their own decisions age appropriate, of course and help them make safe and correct decisions when they need it. I got a lot more from the talk from April conference, "What manner of men and women ought ye to be" by Elder Lynn G Robbins. Condemn the sin, not the sinner. Never use phrases like "You always Help them to become Christlike by acting Christlike towards them- being a good example.
I like when he said that, "We will never have a greater opportunity to teach and show Christlike attributes to our children than in the way we discipline them. Sep 26, Mehrsa rated it liked it. I learned a lot from this book and have been practicing some of the strategies giving lots of choices, singing the uh oh song, etc. I liked the general concepts of the book, but I disagreed with some of the points. I think that kids can detect when you are insincere.
The authors mention that you cannot be sarcastic when you talk about certain choices and consequences, but some of the role-play scenarious seemed impossible to do without sarcasm.
I also think that there was very little focus on I learned a lot from this book and have been practicing some of the strategies giving lots of choices, singing the uh oh song, etc. It mainly focused on punishment, which maybe was the only focus of the book. I think that in order for this theory to work, you have to develop a good relationship with your kids in which the choices you give them are sincere.
It seems that some of the situations were manipulative: do you want to get in the car on your feet or in the air? Not a real choice. That's fine if you just want to force the kid in the car, but by pretending that they are choosing, it's a little patronizing. The book has some very valuable insights however: letting your kids experience the consequences of their poor choices though I think some of the examples were far-fetched--what parent would allow their child to flunk out of school to learn a lesson?
Lots of great insights. I think if you could use this book hand in hand with positive parenting, you could devise a good strategy. And every child is different so I think it's nice to have an arsenal of different strategies when you are waging a control war with a toddler. Aug 06, Aspidistra rated it it was ok Shelves: post-adoptionissues. I am not a fan of this book although I see that there are many useful concepts therein.
The book is frequently recommended for parents adopting older children, but the whole tone of the book put me off. The authors seem to take pleasure in the ways they've invented to show children the natural consequences of misbehaviors.
It's very meanspirited. For post-institutionalized kids in particular, the whole concept of "natural consequences" may not even make sense to them at an age-appropriate level. They need to build trust in their new families and a better understanding of how the world beyond their orphanage walls functions before they can fully grasp the consequences of their actions.
This parenting guide tells how to be a consultant, guiding your child, rather than commanding or rescuing from trouble. It advocates setting firm loving limits, using enforceable statements, and giving children reasonable choices. These replace anger and lecturing. When a child causes a problem, you show empathy and lovingly hand the problem and its consequences back to the child.
I like this parenting approach in theory. My wife and I have only just started to try it in practice, so I can't say This parenting guide tells how to be a consultant, guiding your child, rather than commanding or rescuing from trouble. My wife and I have only just started to try it in practice, so I can't say yet whether it works for our kids.
Demonstrate how to take care of self and responsibilities. Share personal feelings about own performances and responsibilities. Provide and help explore alternatives that allow child to make their own decision. Provide time frames in which child may complete responsibilities. Model doing a good job, finishing, cleaning up, feeling good about it.
Make sure child owns problem; help explore solutions. Allow child to experience life's natural consequences. Responsible Children Feel Good About Themselves Don't point out what the children are doing poorly or what they can't do. Build on the child's strengths and they'll grow in responsibility. He'll stop trying to imitate responsible adult behavior because he sees himself as incapable. Don't tell children when they are hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, or tired, have to go to the bathroom, etc.
This tells them they can't think for themselves. Allowing young children to practice decision making on simple issues teaches them to think and control their own lives. In adolescence, they'll be less susceptible to peer pressure. Children's Mistakes Are Their Opportunities Step in when there's a definite danger of losing life or limb, or of making a decision that could affect child for a lifetime.
Also when our children know they are in a situation they can't handle by themselves. Even when a kid doesn't seem concerned about his or her problems, we should stay out of them.
If the problem is how our children relate to us, the problem has drifted out of their domain and directly into ours. But if it makes us late, we deal with it. Give choices that are within your firm, loving limits. Give 2 choices, both of which are acceptable to you and can be enforced if the child doesn't respond. Make sure child knows the implied 3rd choice: if they don't choose, you will. For example, "Would you like to go to your room walking, or would you like me to carry you?
It looks as if you chose being carried. If child has tantrum in room, wait a minute until it ends, then open door. Say, "I missed you! I'm glad you are feeling sweeter! I'll set the timer for 5 minutes, and you can come out if you stay sweet that whole time. Forcing a child to do something your way makes them resist even harder. Setting Limits Through Thinking Words Children learn better from what they tell themselves than from what we tell them.
The rule with "no" is that we use it as seldom as possible. Avoid a fight by replacing "no" with a "yes" to something else. Example: instead of saying, "No, you can't go to play until you practice your lessons," say, "Yes, you may go out to play as soon as you practice your lessons. Influence child by modeling. Talk about how good you feel to eat vegetables, clean your plate, etc.
Pick areas you can control child, and offer choices. Example: You can't make child eat, but you can control whether they're at the table. Don't say, "I told you so," since it just antagonizes child and builds resistance.
Administer consequences with compassionate sadness. Empathy with Consequences If you can't think of a consequence on the spot, say, "I'm not sure what to do about this right now, but I'll let you know. Try not to worry about it. Be empathetic but let child know they retain responsibility.
Say, "Oh, no, I'm glad that's not my problem. You must feel awful. What can you do? That robs them of the dignity of holding their fair share of the family workload. Only pay them if they do your chores. Don't insist that children save their allowance, or they won't learn to do it on their own. Allow children to spend or save their allowance as they please barring illegal activities. Anger Anger is appropriate when the child's behavior directly affects you and you make a rational decision to use it.
Say, "I'm very angry. Now I have to deal with this. Be prepared to tell me what you're going to do about this before bed. Say, "This is how much sleep you have an opportunity to get at night because you're in your room. Bossiness Telling a child to not be bossy only bosses them, and makes them mad. Smile and say, "Nice try. What do you think happens in this family when people get bossy?
Does it help or not? Think about it. When child bosses other kids around, say, "I notice that you're bossy with those kids. Do you worry that might make them not like you? Then they wouldn't be your friends anymore. Have you figured out any ways you can boss them around and still keep them as friends? I hope it works out for you. If you ever want some ideas for playing without bossing, let me know. This is just a stage in their lives.
I'm proud of how you handle it. Misbehaving in Car A great learning experience is to make the child walk home while you watch from a distance. Take precautions to ensure child's safety. Chores Show that you have fun doing chores with children to instill a good attitude in them.
Say, "I like getting my jobs done around the house. I enjoy my friends there and feel so encouraged. Talking it over may help them see the value. Discipline Rules for controlling an out-of-control kindergartner or 1st grader: Tell child what you wish he or she would do, rather than ordering. Use "I messages" that tell why you feel the way you do, such as, "I would appreciate your going to your room now so I can feel better about you and me.
Change child's location, rather than trying to stop the problem. When things are done right, be emotional. When things are done poorly, be nonemotional and consequential.
If you can't deal with a situation immediately, delay consequences. Discipline in Public When child misbehaves in public, have someone take child to car or home. Eating and Table Manners Instead of telling child they must eat, say, "Have you had enough to make it to the next meal?
I hope so, but you decide. If they help themselves to snack, ask them if they want to pay you cash or have it taken from their allowance. Entitlement Expect child to do fair share of work required to maintain household. Let child struggle for, and earn, goods and services they want. Offer to match funds child saves. Fears and Monsters Don't check under bed for monsters; it makes kids more afraid.
Instead, reassure child that they have a "monster-chasing" stuffed animal, or that some perfume on the bedsheet will help child sleep. Fighting Say, "If I hit my boss when I got frustrated, I wouldn't be as happy as if I handled my frustration another way. Friends Offer child a choice: pick friends you approve of and play with them at your house, or pick friends you don't approve of and not be allowed to have them over.
Or say, "Would you like friends who test your decision-making and thinking skills, or friends who don't pressure you so much? Explain that getting ready in the morning is their responsibility.
Don't remind child to get ready, or rescue them. Your responsibility is to back up the school's consequences for lateness.
Giving Gifts If child shows little appreciation for gifts, give less. Being equally generous to kids doesn't mean giving equal-value gifts on every occasion. Help child not fall for marketing pitches. Say, "Wow, they make that toy look like more fun than it really is. I'll bet you already figured that out.
But I can understand your wanting it. You can buy it if you want. It's like that a lot for me too. I guess then you won't buy it. Talk in a non-emotional but caring way: "Do you have any plans about the math grade? Write, "Your grades are far below your ability level.
Please give it some serious thought and be ready to share your plans for solving this. We'll be available to discuss this with you Friday night. Be prepared to tell us what you plan to do and what support you'll need from us. Does that sound reasonable? They must do the rest. Be a positive model by talking about the importance of doing our own office work or homework. Boredom When children say they're bored, it usually means "I want you to spend more time with me.
When child says they're bored, say, "A lot of people do things they like so they won't be bored. Are you saying there's nothing you like? If so, there may not be any option except to be bored. Is that a possibility? Children must rely on internal checks. Explain filtering by saying, "It's not a matter of trust.
My office filters content - not because they don't trust us, but to prevent bad content from sneaking into the computers. Let's explore the filtering options together so we both feel good about what we decide. Say, "If I were you, I'd sleep better knowing I never sent any info about myself to anyone whom I hadn't met face-to-face, because strangers can be dangerous. If you think child is lying, say, "If it's the truth and I don't believe you, then it's sad for both of us. But if it's a lie and I don't believe you, then it's doubly sad for you.
Say, "I've noticed that when I say something, you give me a certain look that I don't understand. Some kids do that because they don't feel it's safe to say that they're hurt or disappointed. Do you have any thoughts on that? I'll be a good listener.
Kids do it to beg their parents to talk to them. Say, "It looks like things aren't going well for you. When you can put your thoughts into words, come talk to me, and I'll listen. Say, "When I finish, you may want to give me that look you're so good at. Peer Pressure Help kids be less likely to be negatively influenced by peers later on by letting them make decisions, asking them questions instead of telling them what to do, and discussing issues using thinking words.
At age 11 or 12, prepare child to cope with peer pressure by having discussions about the pressures of adolescent life. Say, "Let's talk about your plan for learning how not to be your friends, and become yourself.
Example: "I want to do something with you, but I'd like it to be something other than drugs. Help kids pick up toys until kindergarten.
After that, toys are their responsibility. Say, "Do you want to pick your toys up, or should I? If you pick up, you get to see them again. If I pick up, I'll keep them. I think you may need to be older before you have the responsibility. I'm going to take the toy away for now.
Keeping Room Clean Toddlers and preschoolers can be taught the joy of having a clean room by parental example. Help the child clean the room, saying, "Doesn't it feel good to line up your toys? Don't tell child when to clean their room.
Instead, set a certain time by which it must be done. Say, "Would it be reasonable for you to clean your room by Saturday morning? You don't have to. You can hire me or a sibling. If you don't decide, I'll choose what to sell. When time's up, hug them and let them out. Disrespect Ask, "Would you like to go to your room or to the basement?
Come back when you can talk as calmly as I'm talking now. Say, "I'm confused about what you're trying to tell me. Are you trying to say you're embarrassed, or you feel put down, or you want to be boss, or you hate me, or you don't know a better way to answer?
Instead of having to live with consequences and think about solutions, they have a brief moment of pain, then they're off the hook. Stealing If you make a scene when you catch child stealing, it makes it exciting for the child, which encourages them.
Say, "I don't like it when you take my things. Put it back. What a good kid. Bad Language Say, "I'll be happy to talk to you when you can use clean and mature language. They don't know many words, so they use those boring swear words.
It only took a couple minutes, and I feel much better. When I'm talking to someone else, I can't give you much attention. But when I'm not, I can give you a lot of attention. Which do you think would be better? Emphasize the alternatives, including friends, family, hobbies, and sports. Temper Tantrums Let tantrums happen. You can't stop them. But, change the location. Ask, "Where would you like to have that tantrum so you don't hurt my ears? In the basement or your room? Video and Computer Games Make sure children have opportunity to practice setting their own limits, ideally with video games rather than substance abuse or sex.
Point out specifically how video games limit child's creativity and freedom must play within programmed rules, etc. Tell child, "The more time you spend in real life, the more you gain skills to create a world of your own making, not someone else's.
Jul 31, Jacqueline Wheeler added it. I do not want to rate this book because I do not have children yet, and I feel like that's an unfair opinion.
I read this book in preparation for becoming a foster parent, and I've just been reading all the parenting books that have been recommended to me, in order to see what style fits best with my husband and I.
I can totally see a lot of situations in this book problematic, especially if I were to use the situations for foster care. I did love the concept of having the child focus on fixing I do not want to rate this book because I do not have children yet, and I feel like that's an unfair opinion.
I did love the concept of having the child focus on fixing the problem, instead of just relying on punishment, but some of the examples were a bit too strict for example, I wouldn't be able to let my foster kid go without food, if they didn't like what was cooked for dinner. I can see myself using this more on my future bio kids, with some changes. I love that this book focuses on the children learning responsibility at an early age.
I was taught some of the same concepts, and I loved that I was responsible before most of my peers. All in all, I'm not totally writing this book off - I think its good to read all different parenting styles, and pluck out the good information to build a style that works for you and your family. Aug 10, Rachel rated it it was ok Shelves: pregnancy-babies.
I had mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, I liked the basic principle: give your children choices within limits and let them experience natural consequences for their actions rather than imposing arbitrary punishments on them. We've actually gotten some good results with Zoe when she's refusing to do something using the choices idea. For instance, by asking her if she wants to walk to the car or get carried, she usually chooses walking rather than choosing not to go to the car at al I had mixed feelings about this book.
For instance, by asking her if she wants to walk to the car or get carried, she usually chooses walking rather than choosing not to go to the car at all. I also like the idea that parents should control the things they can and let go of the other stuff.
For instance, you can't make a child eat something or fall asleep. But you can control where a child eats or doesn't eat , when a child is in her or his room at night, etc. Finally, the book had lots of good reminders about praising the good stuff and not even reacting to the negative stuff your child does. However, that's so much easier said than done and the philosophy didn't seem to offer any room for mistakes in that department.
And the mock conversations it provides are so hard to read without hearing sarcasm, let alone deliver that way when you're feeling angry. My major problem with the book was that the application of these principles was often convoluted and sometimes downright cruel I thought --like letting a toddler under two, I think, even choose between sitting and eating nicely in a high chair or playing on the floor, then denying them any more food for the rest of the night if they choose the floor.
Or making a kid who has slept in and missed the school bus not only stay home for the day but stay in his room for 7-some hours because his mother is used to having him gone during the day. And the organization was utterly atrocious. The editor in me wanted to rip the whole second half of the book apart and put it back together in a way that made more sense.
Each chapter was on a different scenario and there would be one on teenagers toddlers, then allowance, then high-chair eating, divorce, and back to money-management. Think stream of consciousness from someone with an unorganized mind. Also, what is with the hokey openings to each chapter in books like this? I can't even think of an example, but the exaggerated trying-to-be-funny cliched sentences of each chapter almost made me stop reading.
Talk to me like an adult, please. And again, get an editor! Anyway, any suggestions for other parenting books out there?? I was really hoping to like this one more than I did. View 2 comments. Jul 15, Charlene added it. I will start my review with two caveats: I'm probably not going to finish this, and while it contains some good ideas, I stopped reading when it hit total WTFery.
The basic concept here is that children learn from experience, i. Makes sense as far as it goes, although discipline is not the same as punishment and taking the responsibility for discipline of I will start my review with two caveats: I'm probably not going to finish this, and while it contains some good ideas, I stopped reading when it hit total WTFery.
Makes sense as far as it goes, although discipline is not the same as punishment and taking the responsibility for discipline off the parent and putting it onto the child is a bad, bad idea. This book unlike Nurtureshock is anecdotal instead of based on research and since it isn't science-based it makes some serious omissions. There is no mention of neurotypical children at all, which given the rise in autism and the fact that children on the spectrum can go a long ways without being diagnosed, worries me a lot.
I picture a neurotypical child being treated to "the Uh Oh Song" and think it's the parent who is in for the Uh Oh. Dave Funk helps us understand these unique individuals and the important part we play in their lives. Each page of this book provides: Tools and insights for those teaching special need kids.
Learning at its best through stories and examples. Powerful techniques that help all children. Research-based, legally sound information The lessons in this book are not just for educators, but also for parents, siblings, law enforcement, clergy,. Presents grandparenting techniques based on the Love and Logic philosophy of working with children.
Provides advice for parents when responding to difficult questions or demands from their children, including examples of responses designed to neutralize manipulation and arguing. This is a read-and-understand, lock-it-in-with practice book that will enrich your relationship with your loved one. For thirty years Foster and Hermie Cline have worked with other couples individually and in groups, in this country and abroad, helping them learn how to do the same thing: build lasting relationships.
They've worked with couples by the fireside in their home, and on houseboats lashed together on America's lakes. They've worked with couples around the campfire, and in many retreat centers. The Love and Logic approach is the foundation for this book. This approach has helped millions of people raise wonderful, responsible children. Now we're taking all that wisdom, which works so well with kids, and applying it to adult relationships. Now in a fully updated and expanded edition, Levy and Orlans' classic text provides a comprehensive overview of attachment theory, how attachment issues manifest, and how they can be treated.
The book covers attachment-focused assessment and diagnosis, specialised training and education for caregivers, treatment for children and caregivers and early intervention and prevention programmes for high-risk families.
The authors explain their unique models of 'corrective attachment therapy' and 'corrective attachment parenting', and provide practical guidance on goals and techniques for. Draws on the author's Positive Parenting Solutions online course to explain how to correct negative behaviors in children, introducing the psychological theories of Alfred Adler on using empowerment to promote healthy child development. Through the miracle of birth, parents are given a tiny, defenseless babe totally dependent on them for every physical need.
They have a mere eighteen years at most to ready that suckling for a world that can be cruel and heartless.
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